Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
