You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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