Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
