I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
My liver just had a heart attack.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
