could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
