i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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