Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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