I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
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