If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
