Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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