Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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