I like my sex mixed with concussions.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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