Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
