I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
