My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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