When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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