Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
