I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Randomize
