you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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