I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Randomize
