Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
