what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
