I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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