I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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