I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
