I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
