I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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