Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
