they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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