At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
