It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize