Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
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