Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
