Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
the liver wants what the liver wants
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Randomize
