I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize