Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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