This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
