your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
