Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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