So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
