wrigley field is MILF paradise
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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