Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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