I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
