Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
