Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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