I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
whose parrot is this?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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