Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
