Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Ketchup is God's man juice
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
