filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
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