Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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