I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize