I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm both gender and math confused
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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