she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
