she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
