Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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