Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
