explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
