I just threw up on my dentist
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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