I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
