maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
