You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
